you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize