ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
