3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize