apparently the secret to your success is patron
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
