I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
