i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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