idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
