I'm pants shitting drunk right now
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
