I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
40s are totally the cure
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
