I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
