i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
