how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
