Don't make out with my wife yet
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
