Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
