If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
