Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
