In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
