the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
