piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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