does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
