I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
