Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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