That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Randomize
