I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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