oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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