I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I touched a dick in church today
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
