1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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