So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
