I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My vagina is very pro this idea
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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