I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
