i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
