So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
