OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize