i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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