Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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