Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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