dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
