Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize