Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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