Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
