Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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