i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
mondays should just be called national damage control day
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
