Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
