I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
