youre lurking in front of me
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
