I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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