U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
