dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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