barbara walters just said penis...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
