Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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