I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
