if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize