She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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