one two three fourrrrnication!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
