Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
you inspire me to be a worse person
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
