Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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