he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
