apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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