Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
