i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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