Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
