if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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