I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
