You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize