yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
